I think the best parenting advice I have ever been given: "Lower Your Expectations". Obviously, we want our kids to be rock stars of epic proportions in every way possible, and we think that pushing them harder, fast, better, stronger, is the answer, but it creates tension and discontent in our relationship with our kids. Lowering expectations does not mean accepting failure, and it doesn't mean accepting a child that doesn't try to do their best, but that's just it isn't it, it's their best, not yours.

Let's face it, there is a possibility that I might be a bitter bitch. But that's okay. I can own that. 100%.  If I could change anything about myself, this would not be it. As a matter of fact, I even made a shirt. Yup, I am a big fat bitter effing bitch y'all.

I follow a truly unhealthy amount of blogs and I think it's making me depressed.

These little windows in to other people's lives that I perceive as better than mine are really starting to mess with my real life. I am often jealous of how these bloggers look, and how their houses are decorated, of how popular they are. I am also quite jealous of the fact that many of them are receiving a paycheck every month to provide relatively useless information. I find myself scoffing at their "expertise". I find myself irritated at their excitement over petty things. What used to entertain me and make me feel part of a community, now makes me feel like a useless outsider. It would appear, based on my social media feed, that I have nothing in common with the majority of people. This can't be true. Am I really so in the minority with my thoughts? That itself is depressing.

I found this in my archive of posts long since deleted from public view. I thought it belonged here, in this new permanent place. It was written in February of 2010. It seems, I have not progressed much since then. It's good to re-read these old things though, I gain a sense of confidence that I am not a complete and total waste of space and that I may have some things worthy of saying out loud after all.

I have been absent from blogging for a little while. Mental block. Often times, I have rhetorical conversations in my head where I ponder my purpose. Where am I going? What am I doing? Am I making a difference in the world that I live in? Usually, when it feels like I am going nowhere fast, I turn to old photos, cards from birthdays and anniversary's past, and the archives of my blogs. They are a reminder to me that even though everyday seems like the last, there are small, sometimes subtle moments that make up this life. I find enormous joy in nostalgia.

The other day, my daughter pulled out my box of photos and cards. She found things from her limited past and had her own little trip down memory lane. It was so much fun to tell her the stories and memories and listen as she shared her remembrances about those occasions.

One day, she will be a teenager who thinks I hate her and thinks that my sole purpose in life is to make hers miserable. One day, she will leave our home, to find her own purpose. One day, she will get married and have babies, and understand that her purpose is to love, protect and teach. One day, she might read my blog and then she will understand me and we will be great friends.

Every now and then, I share with you, the story of us. I have wondered how much of us I should share with you, what is the appropriate level of public sharing that I should do? At what point does it become less about my personal journey and more about making sure you are entertained?

After a particularly long and mentally exhausting day last week, I did a blog round-up. I read things from the very beginning of my sharing adventure back in early 2000 all the way through today. It was very revealing to see how things have changed over the last few years. In work, relationships, thought processes. I decided to consolidate the things that were relevant and purge the rest. Then, I put them here, in one place. It's the story of me, the story of us, and maybe, sometimes the story of you. It's my little place in this world where I find some purpose and leave my legacy.

First, let me say that I love each one of you in my own special way. 

Now, let me say this. 

It is not up to our government to prevent tragedy. That is not the job of our government. You can, however, prevent tragedy, as a community who is active in one another's lives, a community who shares a value system that states, treat one another with love and respect. Implement a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence and hate. Hold people accountable for their actions. But for the love of all that is holy and sacred in this world, do not let the government do this for you. I am begging you to please stop thinking that our federal government is responsible for all things. They are not. You don't have to like me, you don't have to agree with me, you can even say hurtful mean things to me. Disagreement does not fall under the same category as hate. You are entitled to your opinion. But why does your opinion have to become a law? Life is not fair, and life is full of horrible things, humans are capable of terrible actions, but if you continue to allow our government to make laws that take away our personal freedoms, how long before you are required to like me, required to agree with me and jailed for saying hurtful mean things to me? How long before we all have to share the same opinion or die for voicing a different one?

You know what I can't ever seem to figure out? How do craft/DIY bloggers hang crap up? Am I a total moron that I can't figure this out?  Every time I hang something up, you can always see the picture hanger, or the nail, or the over the door wreath hanger. Are these people just hot gluing things to their doors, walls, mirrors? Are they using Liquid Nails? Are they photo-shopping the hangers out? I would like to see a good solid tutorial on how to hang stuff up.  

Everywhere I turn I am reading stories and posts from mother’s whose children are starting kindergarten middle school and high school,  and the overwhelming theme is how sad and scared  they are that their children are moving on to this stage in life.  These parents are so emotional at the prospect of their children having to face something new and unknown some of them are literally in pain.  The emotional process of it all is so foreign to me I think to myself, how do these people even function in life?  

This recurrent theme I see in blogs and on Facebook for life events; Boo hoo, my child is growing up, boo hoo, my child is can’t make friends, boo hoo homework is too hard, boo hoo my child has to go to middle school and high school and college and has to get a job and get married and have kids of their own so that they too can boo hoo at the mere act of life progressing and moving forward.

Life is an ever forward moving progression of learning and achieving those things you were not capable of learning and achieving prior.  It’s emotional and messy, filled with the unknown.  It is the purpose for which we are born and live.  I am ecstatic when I can look at the human that I shared my body with for 9 months and see her going forward, moving on to the next stages in life and being ridiculously awesome at it. 

I love that I can help guide her and teach her, right along with all the other people that come and go in her life.  The people that will nurture her and teach her, right along with the people who will show her that life is not fair and break her heart. 

Trepidation is natural but I don’t want her to fear the unknown.  My hope is that she will be strong and capable, attacking each new stage in a way that I can look at and think to myself, I helped create that amazing, capable human being who lives life for every moment that comes along and embraces each unknown thing with courage.

I will always be the safe place she can seek comfort and guidance, but I will never be the person who is sad that she is moving on in any stage of life be it kindergarten or otherwise.